How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
