The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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