the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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