Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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