Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
there's paper in my vomit.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
