I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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