please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Randomize
