I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? šš
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Thanks for going with me today. Itās been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
Itās called āshopping for lingerieā and itās one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
