Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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