just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
