so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
