Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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