I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
