he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
