no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
