so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
