So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
That was an excessively violent trivia night
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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