I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
