Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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