all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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