I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
