he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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