matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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