It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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