Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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