Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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