Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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