I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
