We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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