I am in a vortex of obligation.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I want a musical about memes.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
