I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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