apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
