I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
