I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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