I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
