I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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