how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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