Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
