mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
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