Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
