I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
