Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize