i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
