I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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