and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
