so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
