6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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