wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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