how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
