im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
