Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
