i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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