Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize