god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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