I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
