your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize