I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
